he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
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she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
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This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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