All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
