I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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