I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
