I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Randomize
