I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
honey bunches of taint.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
