If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
