Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
