the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
