I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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