Don't make out with my wife yet
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
