If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
