i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
my phone needs a breathalizer
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
When did angry sex become our thing?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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