I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
