i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
