bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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