I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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