He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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