I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
