I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am