Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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