this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
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My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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