Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
