wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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