My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
