I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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