Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
