Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
