we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
