it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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