I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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