a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
