Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
