HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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