I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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