No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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