she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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