I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
