Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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