I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Dear god my vagina.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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