He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
