Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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