what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
