My Higher Power is John Stamos
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
