Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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