I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?