the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."