i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
