How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
