I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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