All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
