How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
it's not cheating when I paid for it
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
