omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
