Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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