Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
