I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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