i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Randomize
