she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
