Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
she told me i tasted like america
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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