My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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