her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
