Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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