it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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